A Prettier Fate

Ok, critique one of five, as promised!

Firstly, this was really fresh and original. I loved the theme, and you told the story well.

In the first stanza, I think that the rhythm is off in the last line. Try reading it aloud, and you'll get a better sense of the flow. I'd try something like:

"Making love to torches,
To lick their residue (better for rhythm)
To melt myself in orbs of wax,
A kinder fate than you."

I love the next stanza, but I'd change the third line to;
'he beats me and he burns me."

The next stanza is also good, but I think the same applies for the third line being off rhythmically. Maybe try:

"Tightly in my molten mouth" or something else with seven syllabyls.

I think you tell too much in the next stanza, where you should be showing, and your rhythm is off. I like what you're saying, but it doesn't seem to want to fit... I'd try this verse again, or take it out completely, as I'm not sure that it really moves the poem forward, so you could probably do without it.

If I'm being critical, I think you tell too much in the last two stanzas where you should be showing, but, that said, I love the flow of them, and I like the way the rhyming scheme and repetition creates a kind of nursery rhyme feel, which is in contrast with the theme. I think this works really well.

Overall, well done. This is good, just needs a bit of polish. Hope this helps. The other four critiques will follow (eventually!)

Jas

You had a great start. it was unique and caught my attention. the last three stanza's though were weak and didn't fit in with the first three. I would either rework it or get rid of them or start over. As for the rhythme, I wouldn't bother, but that is just me. If the language is strong enough it doesn't matter to me, though you should "SHOW DON'T TELL" that is a problem with me too. You want to lead people into thinking they are that person, in that moment, etc. But great start!!:D

Wonderful. I approve wholeheartedly and offer kudos. You took a great topic and followed it through to the end with no half-steps or faltering in between. Keep up the good work!

Okay. so I agree with Aussie when she says that you should show and not tell - but I know how hard this is as I do it in almost every single piece I write. Although, some people enjoy reading posts like tis and to be honest, I'm not fussed as long as it makes sense and had a nice flow to it.

Your imagery was okay - not great but good - and I loved the concept of it. Good job.

I love this, but, as always, there are issues. One of them is the principal of everything we poets hold dear: SHOW DON'T TELL. One example is the line that goes, "My silent world is dramatic." You're telling us that her world is dramatic, but why do we care? You can think of a better word. Also, you're rhyme is off. Some of the stanzas worked with one rhythm, some with others and some had no rhythm at all. Work on it a little, polish it up, because this is a great poem.

Oooh, nice! I love the pretty words, and what a striking beginning! That being said:
I would dump S4 and S5, and come to think of it, the last stanza as well.
Also, please check punctuation. It should make sense if you add the lines together in sentences.

Lovely reading,
Evang.